Tranquility Through Action

Still in my blogging novitiate, I realize I have struggled to maintain a decent upkeep (nor can I figure out the damned Gravatar nonsense…how the heck do I follow the few and the lovely who have dared to follow me so early on?).  This night, however, demanded a space to spread out my worries and fears in word-form, though I apologize in advance for the humbled stance I am about to take; I do not propose to offer any worthy insight or opinion, but simply need to un-junk my mind a bit before bedtime.

Let’s not beat around the bush: I am SAD.  Not to brag, but I have it all:

  • Hopelessness
  • Increased appetite with weight gain
  • Increased sleep
  • Less energy and ability to concentrate
  • Loss of interest in work or other activities
  • Sluggish movements
  • Social withdrawal
  • Unhappiness and irritability

Hopelessness.  The first on the list, and just the word that meandered into my head today.  I feel hopeless, generally, but have had that feeling exacerbated by the first graduate school rejection I received the other day.  There is nothing to do but wait for the rest of the notifications, which I fear will be the same.  Until then, I can’t apply to any full-time positions or restart the grad school application process.  Waiting kills.

Graduate School Blues

Likewise, I can’t concentrate on building my writing portfolio because I’m too depressed to focus, and too distracted by my worrying to commit to any creative project for more than a few minutes at a time–a generous estimation in itself.  Plus, I’ve become a recluse, another facet of this awful funk I’ve gotten myself into, again, exacerbated by the unrelenting bite of winter.  How can I occupy myself with friends and engaging activities when I can’t even leave my house?

Today, I literally did nothing, and by noontime I could feel my eyes closing with a centuries-old tiredness, later complaining to my coworkers of my exhaustion (during a three-hour shift, to women who work full-time AND have the strain joy of children piled atop their day-to-day requisite mundanities).  And it is safe to say I have been categorically unhappy and irritable to anyone who dares to offer me a kind, or even civil, slice of small talk.

To top it all off, for the past few weeks I have been carrying around the most unattractive paunch, very spare-tire-esque.  I can’t shake it (well….), and worst is, my depression and boredom only makes me turn to food and drink more.  And strangely enough, I mentioned all these things, including how late I’ve been sleeping in compared to my usual early-bird circadian rhythm, to my coworkers today, and just looked up that list of SAD symptoms a moment ago.  I should probably become a psychotherapist.  (Already halfway there!)

Now that I’ve laid it all out, it should be a cinch to combat.  Right?

I will find the peace I need simply by doing…anything.  The kicker is, I have to somehow summon up that energy from out of the depths of my lugubriousness.

Thus manifests the challenge I face now.  My resolution for this was to make up a to-do list every day, so that I’d have a concrete measure of focus and feel accomplished if I could cross off even a single item.  As my coworker so wisely informed me, I will not have the luxury of boredom in the near future if things work out for me in the end, and so I should use this opportunity to do now the things I’ll want to do then but will not have time for.  Simple things: sorting through and scrap-booking the pictures from my trip to Europe, cleaning out my closet, drawing (for these last two, see my previous blog, New Year), etc. I sincerely should be using this down-time to generate new written work but that might be too much to ask of my cluttered mind right now, so the lighter fare will have to do.  Once I achieve that inner peace, my brain should unclog and the writing should flow more naturally.

To-do: Meditate.

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2 comments on “Tranquility Through Action

  1. Subtlekate says:

    It was hard to hit like, because it almost infers that I like the condition. I don’t, I like that you’ve said it. I agree, that creating is impossible in that state and moving with the lighter things that are doable is a better option right now. I am sorry your feeling so heavy right now.

    • soothspitter says:

      I really appreciate the sentiment. The hardest part is being conscious of the fact that your condition is “merely” mental, yet being completely unable to do anything about it. I’m anxious for the spring–just being outdoors and in the sun and fresh air works miracles. Thanks for reading.

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